It's been a rough few days going back to work. I was actually looking forward to going back, believe it or not. I didn't miss the drama, that's for sure. I missed my friends and I even kind of missed the work itself. I enjoy digging into people's backgrounds and finding out about them. I enjoy the challenge of a good background. I really enjoy when someone is brutally honest with an applicant and tells us "how it really is." So in some ways, I was ready to go back.

What in the sam heck was I thinking??!!

I guess while I was gone and living in my dream world, where life is great and all things are fair or at least the same, no matter who you are, I totally forgot about the drama, the back stabbing and the political crap that goes on within the four walls of an office.

Holy, freaking, cow is all I can say.

Notice what I wrote though....I said "that goes on within an office." I say that because I'm rather certain that every job has it's fair share of drama that goes along with it, especially when you involve a bunch of women. Just being honest here, folks.

And I'm sure too that every office has some sort/form of political bull crap that goes on. I'm not naive enough to think that somewhere out there there is a perfect little office that gets along all the time and everyone is treated equally.

I guess my biggest downfall is this: I refuse to kiss someones butt just to get somewhere in life-I don't care if it's at the office, if it's with a friend or at church. I'm just not going to do it. If your going to like me, your going to like me for the good and the bad, just where I am in life, no matter what.

I'm a hard worker. I do my job and I do it well. I'm a black and white person-there is no gray (or at least very little gray) in my world. You either do the right thing or you do the wrong thing and you face your consequences. Plain and simple. I stand up for what I believe in and am not afraid to stand up when something is wrong.

I'm not a perfect person and I'll be the first to admit that. I make mistakes. Sometimes I loose my temper. Sometimes my delivery isn't the best when I'm trying to stand up for what is right. Sometimes I'm not the most tactful person. I sometimes live in a dream world where all is fair in life.

I say all this because I'm tired. I'm run down. I feel like I've put up with a lot over the last ten years with work (some of which I've brought on myself) and I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of feeling like I have to compromise who I am in order to get ahead or to get on someones good side. It's hard because I do love my actual job itself. I love doing what I do. And I've met some really fabulous people over the years. There are three or four that will be life long, true, genuine friends. But overall, I'm just tired of it all.

I've thought about looking for a new job. My dilemma is this though: the pay-I've been at the PD for 11 years....the chance that I find something starting out pay wise what I make now is slim (and trust me, I don't make much now). I have a little bit of seniority (although that doesn't always count for anything) and have vacation and sick time accrued. I hate the thought of starting over and losing that. With the economy the way it is, finding a job around here right now is very difficult.

So it basically comes down to: I'm stuck for now. Fabulous (read with sarcasm, please).

I'm going to try and make the best of things. Like Steve said today, I'm going to go to work, keep my head down, do my job and come home. Hopefully that will be as easy to do as it is to say. I guess only time will tell.

Please pray for me.