I'm not sure how to start this and am not sure if it'll make sense or not, but I'm going to try....
As most of you know, I went to Manhattan Christian College from 1992-1995. I met some amazing people and I have some great memories from that time in my life. Little did I know then, how much I would cherish those memories now. Those were the days, huh?
That being said...I made some really stupid decisions during those years as well. In May 1995 I found out I was pregnant with Tanner. I wasn't married. I dropped out of college and moved home with my parents.
As weird as it may sound, I was embarrassed and ashamed of the decision that I made and the consequences of it. I disappointed a lot of people in my life; From my family to my friends and teachers at MCC, to my friends that I grew up with. Some people at MCC didn't handle it so well and I felt as if I was looked down on. Once I moved home to Kansas City, I received a phone call from the then President at MCC, telling me that he knew someone that wanted to adopt my unborn baby! Keep in mind, I didn't talk to this man about my pregnancy and I had never even thought of giving her up. Anyway, needless to say, I didn't take him up on his offer.
Once I moved back to Kansas City, I lost contact with a lot of people that I went to MCC with. I guess a lot of people didn't know what to say or think and therefore, communication ceased and life went on. In some ways, I can totally understand. It was a very awkward time for everyone. It was painful for awhile. I felt as if my real friends, whether from MCC or from back home abandoned me when I needed them most. Looking back now, I can totally see where God had a plan in everything.
I had two "best friends" from MCC that stuck with me. Stephanie (Andler) Baker was one of them. Boy howdy, what a blessing she and her friendship have been to Tanner and I over the years! (Love you girl!) We've laughed together, cried together, we have late night phone conversations after everyone is in bed, we see each other once a year no matter what; we are two peas in a pod (which scares our husbands by the way!) We have had some great times over the span of our 16 year friendship and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, no matter what life throws our way, we will be best friends to the end.
There was another girl that I was "best friends" with from the time we went to MCC up until about four or so years ago. This person transferred to another college midway through our college career and we managed to maintain our friendship through that and even traveled to see each other a couple of times. While at MCC, if she was homesick and not able to make it home,(home was a very long ways away) she would go home with me. My parents adopted her and her parents adopted me. When I moved here to Arkansas, she came and visited for a few days. Though our lives were very different (I was married with an infant, she was single and still lived with parents), it didn't seem to matter. My point is that we were, I thought, good friends and we were going to be friends for a lifetime.
About four years ago, this person dropped off the face of the earth. Phone calls stopped, letters and emails stopped, Christmas cards stopped. It broke my heart. I tried everything I knew to do to get in touch with her and find out why all communication had stopped. I called her house and left messages. I called her parents and spoke to them. I emailed. I sent cards apologizing for whatever it was that I said or did. It sounds like I was stalking her or something, but I wasn't-all of this has happened over the past four years. I got no response.
Why is it that I can't let it go? Why is it that it still makes me sad that we are apparently no longer friends? Why does it bug me that for some reason all communication stopped? Why, when my life is full and I'm happy and content, does it still bother me so much? Why do I still care? Why is it that when someone is mad at me, for whatever reason, does it bother me so much? Why is it ok for me to be upset at someone, but yet it drives me nuts to have someone mad or upset at me? Why can't I just let it go? Why do I care?
I wish I could answer these questions. I wish I could just "let it go" and move on. But for some reason, that's really hard for me to do. I've recently found out through Facebook, that this person has moved to another state and is, I guess, doing well. I'm happy for her. But I still want to know what I did that apparently ended our friendship.
They say that "time heals all things" and I truly believe that. Over the past several months, I've had so much fun reconnecting with old college friends. Through Facebook, Myspace and different blogs, I've been able to catch up on their lives and see just how God has blessed them over the years. It's been so fun! I think enough time has passed I'm no longer "ashamed" of my poor decision making and enough time has passed too that people have gotten over the shock of my poor decision making. I can't tell you what a blessing it has been to reconnect with these old friends. I love seeing where god has taken them and I love telling them how God has blessed me and my family over the years.
That being said-why then do I still care about this one other person and whether we talk again or not? Why do I still care that she and I are no longer in contact with one another?
Why do I still care?
7 comments:
Isn't that like all of us? We can hear 20 positive things but we focus on the one negative. Is it Satan throwing guilt on us or is God trying to refine us and teach us?
I'm sure not able to answer your questions, but just wanted to let you know that this is a struggle for so many of us.
I'm sorry now that I didn't really know you at MCC but I'm so glad to KNOW you now!
Oh Shelly, I'm so sorry. I always dwell on the negative too. Like Julieann said, I think it's human nature. I think it still bothers you because the reasons are still unknown, no closure. Also, you have such a big, caring heart, you wouldn't be you if you didn't care. You have fond memories of this person you shared so much of your life with and just don't want that to all be over and forgotten. I wish I could help you with some answers. I hope someone sometime talks with her and you at least get your answer. Love you!
P.S. I wish you weren't so hard on yourself for your 'poor decisions' made in college. My 'poor decisions' way out trump yours, and though I don't have an almost 13 year old to remind me of that, it did take me a long time to forgive myself for my choices and move on. I have for the most part and have realized it's how we grow, learn and become who we are today.I just hope I can pass some of the wisdom I've learned onto my girls, but I'm sure they'll have to make their own poor decisions along the way too. (((HUGS)))
I know what you mean too! But my grandma always tell me.."dont make someone a priority in your life when your only an option in theirs! love ya!
Hey Shelly! I just wanted to tell you that I am the exact same way!!! I hate it when someone is mad at me. I am always the first to apologize and always left feeling guilty even if it's not my fault. That has always irritated me about myself, but I think it is a good quality. We are just sensitive and we care a lot about how other people feel, and not a lot of people have that quality. I think she just missed out on an awesome friend!!
Love ya,
Deena
I think it's natural to still care, esp. for women. Remember, you might not have done anything. We had some friends we stopped hearing from for a while then one day we did. They were going through such horrible times and got so tired of sharing their horrible times that just kept coming they decided the best thing to do was cut off other, temporarily, and completely focus on each other and getting through their crappy time. Little did they know their crappy time would end up being years. We were so glad to hear from them again.
I am a self-defined "relationship clinger". I have a hard time letting relationships go. Recently I had to let a relationship go. I had been reduced to a "friend" who only received forwards. Ouch. It finally hit me I needed to stop trying, and needed to stop being concerned about it because I was wasting my energy. It was just a decision I needed to make for my well-being and I am better now because of it.
Continue to not take it personal because it's very likely you had nothing to do with the reason communication stopped. You're still young and with technology the world is smaller and there's certainly still hope you will connect again.
I don't know Tiffany or her Grandma but wow, "dont make someone a priority in your life when your only an option in theirs!" is great wisdom!
Hey babe, I know it is hard for you to understand why a past friend is no longer a friend. I lost my best friend when I divorced, but I gained several new ones, which helped me out through hard times. We need not to look at our past, but receive what we gain in the now times. If you changed the path you choose and the decisions you made years ago, then there would be a strong possibility that our paths would have never happened. God made the decisions for you. It wasn’t you making them. His plan for your life has unfolded and is going to continue to unfold everyday. We have been so blessed through our marriage and gained so many new friends that God has placed in our path, it really doesn’t matter what an old “best friend” thinks of you. You and I have so many new best friends, that our life is so blessed and we should concentrate on our future, not our past…11Y
It sounds like you’ve had some struggles like a lot of people in this life. Like a lot of us, made some decisions that caused us to stumble and fall. There is encouragement in your words, and God can take our lives and change our lives. He can make us whole when we fall back into his arms.
I read your post and this jumped out at me, “I found out I was pregnant with Tanner. I wasn't married. I dropped out of college and moved home with my parents” There are others going though this same sort of thing and God can use you to bring encouragement and hope to other women struggling, with the question, of what to do. I had a woman submit here post, (Hidden Secrets Laid at The Cross) She made a decision that left her full of guilt, “A hidden secret”.
I commend you for while you were in the midst of a storm you made the decision not to end the life of your unborn child. I have these words for you sister, “Well done, good and faithful servant” I was adopted, you can read my story titled, “I love you more than you will ever know”
With all that said. Would you type out your story/testimony to be posted at www.PowerUpLove.com?
Blessings…
Joe
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