Tanner and I made it to KC this afternoon safe and sound. What started out as a bumpy car ride (Tanner made a bad decision this morning and lied to me about something STUPID so we had a nice long chat about that!) ended up being not so bad after all. I forget just how spoiled I am to have Steve drive us. I made the trip between Springdale and KC for seven years on my own-I despise doing it now. The drive is much easier if I can sleep part or most of the way. For some reason you just can't do that when your driving!
There were actually a few times that I really felt like I could nod off. We stopped and got a drink from Sonic and that helped some. I also ran the a/c on high most of the time! Poor Tanner about froze to death! The best part though was when we popped in the Miley Cyrus CD and rocked out to her. Fun times, fun times.
My Dad was so surprised to see us. Mom went in the house first, then Tanner and I walked in singing "Happy Birthday." The look on Dad's face was priceless. He's been telling me he wants a "homemade" gift and by golly, you can't get more homemade than that.
I hurried and got around once we got here and went up to the hospital for about five minutes. I had called my Dad this morning and he told Gpa that I called. He said Gpa just smiled real big-first time he's smiled in awhile. I dreaded going by myself only because I was afraid I would totally break down right there with him. I put on my big girl panties though and off I went.
I saw Gma in the lobby and surprised her as well. She looks so tired and worn out. She told me she was going home to "breakdown." It broke my heart. I hate seeing her this way. I love that she's by Gpa's side as much as she can be (really goes to show that part of the vows 'in sickness and in health"), but at the same time, I know she is so worn out and I hate that for her.
When I went in Gpa's room, I was the only one. Honestly, the first thing I wanted to do was crawl up on the bed beside him. He was sleeping, but Gma had told me to wake him up, so I did. At first he started mumbling and I couldn't understand a word he said. He opened his eyes and finally looked at me and very faintly said "What are you doing here?" I told him I'd come to see him and Dad and he was already back out of it. He looks horrible. Absolutely horrible. It breaks my heart to see him that way-he really just looks like a shell of a person laying in a bed. I combed his hair and couldn't help but keep giving him kisses on his forehead. I told him I was leaving him some lipstick kisses. I asked him how he was doing and he said "not very good, how are you?" and that was the last of it. He was back out and there was no waking him up. I stood there talking to him for a few minutes and told him I'd be back in the morning and maybe we could have breakfast together like we used to. He didn't respond and I didn't figure he would.
I did really good though-I held it together until I got on the elevator. I lost it at that point. Yea, I lost it in there and in the parking lot. I'm sure the little volunteer lady at the welcome desk thought I was a basket case. I couldn't help it though. My Gpa wasn't supposed to be this way. I just don't understand how come God hasn't taken him yet and to be honest, it really makes me angry at God. I want to yell and scream and ask Him what the deal is! I want to know why my Gpa and my Gma and my Dad and his siblings...why the whole family has to suffer. The Dr's said today there was nothing else that they could do. They said it's time to talk about palliative (I don't understand what that is really) care. Why can't he just go ahead and take him?
I know I've said it before, but my Gpa has always been my idol. He's been the best Christian example for me and he's always been someone that I looked up to. He was my buddy. He loved me despite my mistakes (especially my unwed, unexpected pregnancy and then my divorce) and he made sure that I (and all of us grandkids) knew just how much "Gpa loved them." He used to fix me truck driver's breakfasts (bacon, eggs, hash browns and biscuits with a glass of orange juice and a glass of milk) all the time. I still have a business card that he gave me when I left for college that he wrote "Good for one free truck drivers breakfast" on. This is my Gpa who we (my cousin Ben and I) would time when he said a prayer because he said the longest prayers known to man. My Gpa would always pray when we had family get togethers and he usually ended up crying before the prayer was done. He loved having his family together. I'm telling you, my Gpa is the best. You just can't get much better than him.
I can't put into words how bad it hurts to watch someone you love and idolize so much, suffer. It just sucks.
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