I was talking to my good friend Diana today. She and I were talking about Matt and his progress. Tonight around 11:30, it will be exactly two weeks since his car accident. I'm telling you, I remember what I was doing at this exact time two weeks ago. I feel like it was just yesterday in some ways and then again, I feel like it was YEARS ago or something. Weird.
I was telling Diana that it just breaks my heart that Matt has to go through this. I've had a hard time the last two weeks trying to understand why this happened to him. I have asked many times why it happened to him and not me. If I could trade places with him right now, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I want to make things better for Matt. I want to make all of this go away and make things go back to "normal." In the past, I've been able to fix things for Matt if he got in a pinch. It may have been financial, it may have been emotional, it may have been something small...but I've usually been able to help him out in tough times.
That's when Diana said "Your a fixer." She is so right. I'm a fixer. I want to fix things and make them better. It doesn't matter what the problem is-it doesn't matter who the person is-if someone I love and care about is in need, I want to FIX it.
Why is that?
Why is it that I set myself up for failure? I know I can't fix everything. I can't begin to fix everything. No matter how hard I try, there are just some things in this world that I can't fix. Yet time and time again, I try.
To be honest, it makes me very mad that I can't fix things. It makes me mad at myself that I can't fix things. Sometimes I feel like a failure in the friendship or family department.
Take Matt's situation for example....I can't do anything to make it better. My family's grief and pain over losing my Gpa this past week-I can't do anything to make that better either. My friend Diana's husband is fixing to head to Iraq for a year and she'll be the single mom of three kids. Can't fix that either. And it just makes me mad.
Is being frustrated about not being able to fix things or situations a lack of faith? Is it a lack of patience? Is it lack of control-me not liking being in control of the situation?
I know the standard thing that people say. "Give it to God." I've been a Christian most of my life. I know that's what I'm supposed to do, but that doesn't make it any easier. I know there are a lot of situations that have happened in the past where I didn't fix it, but God did. God gave me the ability to fix the situation. Why won't he give me that ability now?
I know another thing is patience. Whoever said "Time heals all things" is a jerk, because they are right. A friend recently told me "Prayer heals all things." I like that saying much better than the one about time! Prayers heals all things............that's true as well. I'm not going to call my friend a jerk though. ;)
Maybe I need to pray more. Maybe I need to trust more. Maybe I need to have more faith that "all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose." I don't know. All I know is that I want to fix things. I want to make things better RIGHT NOW and it's the worst feeling in the world knowing that I can't.
As I was sitting here re-reading this post, something else occurred to me. Matt has to believe or trust in God as well, right? He has to have faith that everything is going to be ok. But right now, mentally and emotionally, I'm not sure that he can completely understand that-so again, I want to stand in the gap for him and make things all better so that he doesn't have to suffer.
I don't know if this makes any sense or if I'm just rambling. When Diana said "Your a fixer" today though, boy she sure hit the nail on the head and got my little brain working even more overtime than it already is!
I'm a fixer. How frustrating.
2 comments:
I know how you feel! That is EXACTLY how I am. I'm a fixer too! I feel helpless when I can't make things better. And I've lost a lot of people in my life and have been threw some pretty horrifying things, and I questioned my faith, and I asked God why? Sometimes, I still do! But, I know that whatever happened happened for a reason. If your brother doesn't understand it now, he soon will. He just needs someone like you to keep reminding him of that!
Speaking as a person who has been fixed because of both something you did and something you said ... I thank God that you are "a fixer".
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