Something has been on my mind lately.
Is it wrong to NOT want to grow old? Is it wrong to be afraid of growing old?
I'm a born again Christian. Have been for years. I know that everything that happens is God's will and He will provide and take care of me. But......
I still fear growing old.
Watching my Grandparents (who are 85 and 83) literally deteriorate and struggle with their health over the past year has really gotten me down. My Grandparents were my "hip, young" Grandparents when I was growing up. They were the ones that took me to the movies or shopping. They were the ones that were always on the go and were the picture of great health. Not so much now though.
I have always been super close to both sets of my Grandparents. I was blessed and lucky enough to have both sets alive while I was growing up. (My mother's parents passed away five years ago this month. My Dad's parents are still alive and the ones whose health is failing.) I had my own bedroom at my Grandma and Grandpa Golden's house (the ones who are still alive) growing up because I was the only granddaughter out of 17 grandkids for so long. When I moved to college, my Grandparents got a 1-800 number just so I could call them. Spending the night at their house was a treat because you not only got popcorn, but you also got Grandpa's special "23rd Street Tonic." To this day he can't tell you what he put in it because he'd just make it up as he went. It was basically a milkshake. :)
Even as an adult, I am very close to my Grandparents. I talk them at least two or three times a week and when we go home, they are one of the first that we see. My Grandpa used to send me letters when I was in college, and up until last year when his health started going, he would write Tanner letters.
Watching them grow old though and struggle physically has really worn on me. It breaks my heart to see them struggle and to see them suffer and not understand why. My Grandma (who is on oxygen 24/7) said to me not too long ago "Shell, you can't imagine what it's like to walk by a mirror and ask yourself 'who in the world is that?'" I can't imagine what that must be like. She and Grandpa both are depressed and sad at the quality of life they now have. They live on their own in a patio home with other elderly people, but my Grandma told an aunt last week that it's time for them to think about a nursing home or some sort of assisted living. Though they do live on their own, Grandma has a home health nurse that comes three days a week and then my parents and some of my Aunts help take of them the rest of the time. That makes me so sad and I know it makes my Grandparents sad.
I'm so thankful that my Grandparents have a strong marriage and friendship. They take care of each other, even in this time when their health is failing. It's neat to see them sit on the couch next to each other, holding hands. It just melts my heart and is so dang cute!
A wonderful lady who was like another Grandma to me passed away yesterday. She had a brain aneurysm 16 years ago and she was never herself afterwards. Sure she lived, but again, her quality of life was nowhere near what it was before she got sick.
I guess the bottom line is, I don't want to be like that when I get old. I know that I have no choice in the matter and I know that God will take care of me, but it still scares me. It scares me to think of my own parents growing old!!!
So is it wrong to NOT want to grow old? Is it wrong to fear that?
I don't know.
3 comments:
I don't know either. But I do know lots of people (like me) who feel this way. I am always struck at the cycle of life. It always astounds me to see the wedding pictures of young pictures of my grandparents! They were young just like we are! Crazy! It really makes you appreciate how short our time is.
May God bless your grandparents with health and abundant love!
No, it's not wrong to not want to experience your body & mind deteriorate! It's actually great if it spurs you on to good eating and physical habits. That can HOPEFULLY help your quality of life at any age. You can't change genetics but there is so much each of us can do to to take care of our vessels!
I use to always say I wanted to die young because I totally don't want to get old. I don't want to experience those things.
On the bright side of your Grandparents choosing Assisted Living...when the other one dies without the other, they will not be quite so alone in their environment. And will not have to make two transitions at once (losing a spouse and moving).
You're not alone. Whenever I see older people struggling to do the everyday things I take for granted, I feel that way too. I think it's only natural to not to want to have a poor quality of life. It doesn't mean we challenge God's will or the natural circle of life, we just don't want to lose our independence and ability to enjoy ourselves. Don't feel bad, I think those are normal feelings.
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